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2004-12-27 :: 12:15 p.m.

I hate christmas


I really didn't want my first entry in such a long while to be an awful one but, I guess it can't be avoided. I feel like I'm stuck in a really, really bad movie. One that doesn't end but keeps getting worse and worse. At first I was thinking it was something like Madame Bovary (worst book ever-- I don't understand how Emma Bovary is considered to be a heroine for being a shallow, self-centered bitch who abandons her family, but then again I'm no literary critic. Whatever), but now I'm leaning more toward Garden State, only the bottomless pit is only figurative in my case. And my mother isn't dead, but to my dad and to the rest of the people in this awful place she's as good as, or even worse than dead. By the way, I hated that movie, too. Probably because it hit waaaay to close to home, minus the corny happy ending.

And listening to your father tell you at Christmas that your mother is a horrible, terrible person, and then yelling at you for getting upset and then telling you how you're a horrible, mean-spirited person when you try to turn to this mother for comfort when your father is dishing out nothing but pain.

I have no soft place to land anymore. No place is home, no place is safe for me anymore. It's scary and sad and I'm pretty miserable and I hate it. I never should have come back here.

You really can't go home again, not when "home" is gone. All this while I have been trying to move ahead and make progress with my life, but it just seems like everything is being burned behind me.

But maybe there is just something wrong with me after all. Maybe this is all my fault. But if it is, how come I don't know how to fix it

Right now I am listening to and am feeling

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